Transition, and not hair

Hello, once again I'm writing only when I am so totally backed-up that there is the threat of verbal diarrhea. Sorry for being so graphic, but that's the only way I could describe what might happen. Well my hair is going well, moisturized, not falling out, boss afros, and twist-outs, compliments. Good stuff. Pleased with my hair more and more. 1 year natural! Wow time waits for no (wo)man. My hair is co-operating with me, I really know what it likes and how to make it happy. I really enjoy feeling my hair, but try to leave it in protective styling as long as possible. Anyhoo, I'm transitioning in other ways. I've come to the realization that I need to take care of my health. I know this is a very elementary statement, but I will explain. I was encouraged to go on disability by my doctor and other close friends who know of my situation. I should put my pride to the side. What pride?! (people who say this have a lot of pride). I now have numbness and tingling in my hands and he said this could be related to my disease. I also noticed that I am dropping things. I am praying constantly about this. I told my mother. That's all I will say about that conversation. My children are trying to keep a strong face up but I know they are terrified of the unknown. I am feeling the weight of being a single mother lately, I don't know why, maybe because I have a cold and still have to drag my tired butt out of bed to do things only I can do for myself and my kids. I don't even want a husband, I want a clone. That's the part that really sucks. I am tired of the cold and snow, it really accentuates what I can't do. I am trying to stay positive by praying to Jehovah, having good friends to call/text me during the day, and reading my Bible. These are tough times but with the help of my God, I have come through worse and am still alive to call on Him for help.
I applied for disability today. After I completed the the medical report: dates, medications, tests, hospitalizations, doctors, I had to say to myself: "Wow that's a sick person".
I will try to keep in touch.
Love you very much.

Retrospective

Long time no see (understatement). The year is almost over and I came across my past blog entries (last one in March, shame). It's was wonderful to read them, each was a milestone moment for me. As my natural hair journey continues, I realized that I had an incredible journey and was joined by some amazing people along the way. Some of my friends tried being natural, some stuck with it others got scared being so natural, couldn't handle it. But you know who surprised me the most, my 2 girls, Remy and Nia. Talk about inspirational. As young black girls, this, if any other time in history, is the best time to accentuate self-hate, cover and bury as much of yourself as possible. I will definitely explain... the weave movement is fiercer than ever before, plastic surgery is booming for people of color, there is no shame in being bone thin, and be proud to be sexually promiscuous! Yea. Youngsters can't even spell the word: morals. My girls would tell me their struggles being natural in this fake world we live in now, how the kids would call them "nappy happy" or my "Tasmanian black princess" or some other colorful names. At first, I did detect a hint of "maybe just a little creamy crack, just to blend in." But after much conversation, oxygen hit the brain cells along with a healthy dose of "mamalove", and they continue to rock on fire twist outs and twas. I love looking at them, they look like no one else, unique and special, just the way Jehovah made them for me. They now believe they are a beautiful package, not just wrapping.
This is why it is not good to wait too long to post to your blog, you get brain diarrhea, but I will put a cap on it for now. Promise not to take so long in the future. Next time I'll let you know what products I'm using, and how my health is.
Ciao, hasta pronto!

Hindsight...

Thinking back to when I first had to BC, I remember how much I hated my hair, how damaged and harsh it looked, let alone recovering from a near fatal illness. I wasn't prepared for how I would look and what made it worse was the damage state of my hair because of my deteriorated health. As both my health and hair slowly recover, I am (as I've written before) falling in love with my hair. I appreciate, now, taking time to learn how to care for my hair, listening and feeling for changes: too oily, too dry, too crunchy, knowing when to co-wash or deep condition, feeling comfortable with not doing anything at all to my hair. The list is endless. I have a new appreciations for myself and how "wonderfully made" we are by Jehovah. I appreciate taking care of what I have been given, both from within and otherwise. Love.

Lovin' my hair

I am finally growing into my hair. Short, sweet, and petite (my hair I mean). It's thick and lush and moisturized and hennaed and 100% naturally mine. My hair is growing like weeds, I've always read that doing less to your hair will make it grow. This past week-end, I hennaed and then indigoed my hair. Too cute. I almost get misty eyed when I think that sooner or later my hair will get longer and longer and no more will I be able to rock the short and sweet, but as usual I put the cart before the horse. Right now, let me just enjoy each stage as it comes.

PS...I am getting complimented on my hair left and right now. I just started to use aloe vera gel and it defined my curls better than a webster's dictionary and the word: "triskaidekaphobia". My routine is: Deep condition weekly, co-wash every two or three days, apply some leave-in conditioner, top with aloe vera gel, seal with shea butter (unrefined, but scented). You know what I haven't started since beginning this journey...a photo album of hair changes!!!! How weird is that. Tomorrow, I will take the first pics, promise. Love, peace, and aloe vera gel. Nite Y'all!

Ugg...

In this horrible economy, am I wrong to want to leave a full-time position with benefits for a part-time position with none? On the surface, yes, but once you dig deeper, you see that there is a pretty good debatable point. When I came out of the hospital at the end of January, I received a letter from my insurance company that my insurance wouldn't be accepted or considered "in-network" at the hospital I was just discharged from!!! The major life altering hospitalization and its records were at a hospital I was not able to go to unless I wanted to pay out of pocket and that wasn't about to happen. Also, I was in a sticky situation, my daughter was just discharged from hospital on Tuesday, I was hospitalized in that same week, Saturday! What time am I using from my employer? I am in a precarious position in terms of my health, how stable or should I say unpredictable is it? My daughter's health, what if or when she gets sick requiring a hospitalization again. I enjoyed what I did, but I don't think, no I know I'm not able to deal with the high demand stress that job had to offer. The times that I was out of work, sometimes, I enjoyed being out of work home with my children, taking them to school and picking them up, taking care of errands during the day, seeing other stay at home moms and not thinking that I was one of them. This time, I want to work, but I know I don't have the stamina for a full time job, at least not at this point in my life. I am not fearful about getting sick again, it's just that my life and my kids' lives are more important. This is not fanciful thinking. I know that too much is at stake. If I kicked the bucket, I would be replaced at work, it's just a cubicle that belongs to the company.
What does any of this have to do with natural hair care, you may ask?... I'm sure I'm not the only natural lady in this situation. It's something everyone can relate to.
Peace.

It's about that time...

Hi folks, it's about that time again. Looking at myself in the mirror, I have lost a lot of weight. Not really, it's that my skin (blame it on my DNA) is very saggy and since coming home from the hospital, I've lost a lot of muscle tone. Time to pull it back together. I want to tone up, but I don't and can't afford to go to the gym and it's time consuming. I want to do something in the convenience of my home. I bought some exercise bands that are like rubber bands. I think I will revisit them and see what happens. I like my shape but it needs freshening up. Otherwise, with my hair...went to Kingdom Hall yesterday after a long time. I was so happy to see everyone. They loved my hair. I almost wore a hat to cover it up. Not that I am ashamed of my new 'fro, it's just that I wanted to avoid the "questions": "what happened to all of that pretty hair?", etc, etc. It went better than I had anticipated. I feel my hair getting thicker daily and cannot wait until the weather gets better to wear those curly, wet, gelled up styles. My daughter's transition is going good. She wants to cornrow her hair, which I think is a good decision. She is probably tired of wet sets and that would be a good protective style for her. She is not ready to to a BC yet, she is still in school and wants time to adjust and get her game face on before confronting teachers and peers (Also makes sense, that's what I wanted to do).
Talk to you later, Ciao.

I'm back!!!

Hi. I have been gone a long time (understatement). I'm sorry for being away so long, but life interrupted my regularly scheduled blog sessions. Since last hearing from me the following have happened: I went to Hawaii (too wonderful for words), my daughter was hospitalized, and then I was hospitalized. My hospitalization was a horrific experience since it literally came on the heels of my daughter's (which was terrifying for me as a mother). This experience changed my life, I almost lost my life. On the 16th of January, I woke up with excruciating pain. This pain was, the only way I could describe it, in the bones under the muscles of my butt (yikes!). It was like an alarm clock waking me up at exactly 6am, which it did. I jumped out of the bed, took Motrin 800mg, and jumped in the shower. I was determined not to let this spoil my day, because I promised my other daughter, Nia, a mother-daughter day, since I had to spend so much time with Remy while she was in the hospital. I didn't want to disappoint her. So, with deep conditioner on my head covered with a crocheted hat, we were off. We went to breakfast, a little shopping, then a movie. All the while, thinking to my self: "I feel horrible. I have firecrackers going off in my body. This is a weird sensation that I have never experienced in my life. All of this, layered on a framework of excruciating pain. Umm, interesting." We make it home, I change into lounge clothes, and get into bed. Five minutes later, I jump out of bed, and whisper to my daughter, "Call 911, I can't take this pain." Tears started to stream down my face, I began whimpering, and crawled down the stairs, because my legs were not moving because of the exquisite pain. I curled up into the fetal position once I made it to the ground floor. My mother cradled my head, my children stood helpless around me. My son, 3 years old, started crying hysterically. I stared at him, forcing him to hear the thoughts in my head: "Mommy will be alright. Don't cry, I love you." The paramedics arrived and took me to the hospital. The nightmare began that night and lasted until I was discharged, 10 days later, 6 of those days spent in ICU. In summary of this experience, I was diagnosed with the following: sickle cell crisis, severe anemia, pneumonia, and bone marrow infarction.
You may wonder what this experience may have to do with my hair transition as frightening as it sounds. Well, up to this point, I was slowly transitioning: deep conditioning weekly, co-washing every 2-3 days, sealing with shea butter, hennaing, you name it, my hair was growing like weeds and the new growth was luxurious to see and feel. I was proud of my hair, especially when people would compliment me on my hair, it gave me a chance to explain how I was transitioning and looked forward to the day when I was all natural. I would fantasize about big chopping my hair, because it was at that point where the two textures were at all out war with each other and guess who was winning? (It sure wasn't the stringy relaxed ends if your having trouble guessing). My hair was never as healthy, strong, vibrant, or glorious. This severe change in my body, suddenly left me with dry, brittle, damaged hair. It had matted up and I was unable to comb or de-tangle it because I was so weak and debilitated. I had to big chop my hair and I am still trying to get used to the new texture of my hair. The lack of iron changed the color and texture of my hair (I asked my doctor). Wow. So now I have a twa, whether I was ready or not for it. So trying not to freak out so much, I started on my hair routine again, while taking my vitamins (I have to take folic acid daily for the rest of my life- great for hair and nails, SWEET!). I have been out of the hospital almost two weeks and decided to revisit my blog hoping to find a release for my pent up emotions. Some days, I vacillate between being thankful to Jehovah for saving my life, other days I cry like there is no tomorrow, from the sheer shock of what I've been through. I want to share to relieve myself of this turbulence inside of me about the experience I've just gone through and I want to believe that by talking to you, I can adjust to my lack of hair and begin this journey of having natural hair. Love you, missed you, thank you for listening.
Paula

Bad hair day...NOT!!

November 12, 2009

The title of today's blog may be a little misleading. You may think this story has something to do with not liking my hair, but hopefully I will be able to enlighten you. I am pleased with my hair today after conditioning it last night in the shower. The only problem I had today was that it fell limp. But that's a good thing, I am learning how my hair reacts to the daily elements. Increased humidity, decreased temperatures, drizzle all have an effect on my hair. In the past, I would only take into consideration a humid muggy day and if my hair was out, other than that, never did I stop to put 2 and 2 together. Now, I calculate the time of day I do my hair, the weather conditions,and what products I use. I am slowly losing my fear of "doing my own hair". The real test is when I go on my vacation (whoo-hooo~!!!) to Hawaii. From what I've been reading, that state's climate is very tropical (humid, humid, humid). I will devote an entire suitcase to my conditioners and shea butter if I have to, but I won't be having no "bad hair days", especially in Hawaii. I'll be prepared for anything:) Aloha:}

Research

November 10, 2009

I have been writing about my new found hair awakening for about a week now. I now feel comfortable enough to leave maybe a paragraph, at least, that will adequately and appropriately convey my thoughts and feelings. I didn't realize that I was really taking the time to chronicle my thoughts, plans, and intentions about my hair. I have learned so much in just a few days, more so than in my life about my hair. It's almost humbling, especially being a grown woman with 3 kids, to say: "I don't know jack about my hair. I need and want to learn." I find myself trying to find some new info, whether about a particular conditioner or detangling brush or "sealant" or something everyday. I no longer look at the pretty package or container that reads:"for stronger, more luxurious hair",but I am actually reading the label for its contents. I now reject a product based on standards that I have recently developed in other words, whats good for me and only me. If I am this empowered after 8 days, how much more so will I be after a month, 6 months, or even after 1 year?

Wash and set...

November 9,2009

I washed my hair for the first time since I hennaed last Tuesday. I was almost sad to do it, because I loved my hair so much. I got some Aussie moist condish on sale for 5 bucks (a big fat bottle with a pump-yeah!). So I did a quick wash only on the scalp with a mild soap (only because I wanted to get the funk out, if any). Then I plopped on the condi. I let it sit for a few then combed through. I haven't combed my hair in a week so I wasn't surprised to see the shedding (not much, a week's worth of uncombed hair). The Aussie was pretty good at getting the tangles out at least. I did a quick twist and curl, oiled my scalp and that was it. I want to develope my own routine for daily, weekly, and monthly maintence oh, and also de-tangling and DT. I realize that I don't have to pay someone to "fix" my hair, I'm learning how to fix it myself. How liberating:)

A funny thought...

November 8, 2009

I remembered a glimpse of a conversation that I had recently with my mother. I purposely didn't explain why I had chosen to stop relaxing my hair (I don't think I have to explain why, reader, put two and two together: conversation, mother, personal decision, you do the math). I mentioned I was going to stop relaxing my hair! (Car screeches and crashes in the background, at least in my head when I saw her expression). "Why would you do something like that? How would you manage all that hard hair?!" I told her that her hair was natural(her hair is the texture of a white person's hair,very curly,and she cuts it short for convenience at the barber shop). She had the nerve to say: "My hair is hard, I need to "texturize" it!" Well, well, well if her hair is hard by her standards, mine must be concrete. I don't even want to peel back the layers of this onion. How much self hate is ingrained in our race, at least those that have been transported by slave traders and owned by slave owners? I knew in the back of my mind that I would encounter or touch upon some psych-socio issues related to black hair, but the issue presented itself sooner rather than later, by my mother. Wasn't this person responsible for my self-esteem, good or bad? My mental stability? Have I been doing the same thing to my girls? At least, unconsciously, by sending them to the beauty parlor for stinky relaxers and hot irons, did they internalized this as punishment for "bad hair"? I remember saying to one of the girls: "I can't deal with your hair, that's why I had to get it relaxed." The healing begins with self first. Hopefully, through my example of loving my natural hair, my darling girls will start to increase their self-esteem. I gotta start somewhere. Jehovah, give me strength. Peace.

My daughters' hair

November 7, 2009

Well, as I had mentioned before, I have a tendency to suck my children into the vortex of my excitement. I hennaed everybody's hair, both my girls! The eldest was home sick with a cold on Friday (couldn't run very far), so she was the first to be treated with the brownish poop otherwise called henna. She is the child that is allergic to everything and what she doesn't know she's allergic to, she finds out later. She actually enjoyed the process. I mixed her henna like I did for myself, but I added about 4 tablespoons of honey to her mix before I applied it to her hair. The mixture was smoother in consistency and easier to apply (note to self: add honey before applying). When her sister came home from school later that day, I caught her as well. Her comments about the process, ditto. I then feed everyone, watched a movie with the kids, and called it a day. Today (ta-da), the girls were ready for the big wash (I was pleasantly pleased that all plastic caps and doo rags stayed on the heads and their beds weren't a big muddy mess). Of course I applied a DT, let it sit for 4 hours, washed out applied a light conditioner, and gave them both a wet set allowed to air dry (whose your Mama!) I was moved to tears when I saw the final product: beautiful, shiny, auburn, healthy hair. No flakes, no funk, no junk. This is a sacrifice worth doing at least once a month because I take my kids' hair seriously (at least now I do;). Love.

First phase of my recovery...

I feel good today, I mean really settled in my mind. It didn't start that way, initially I was restless. I dropped my daughter off at school one minute late (according to her) and didn't want to go right back home. I felt like driving. For me it's the way I think, unfortunately gas prices have cut in to one of my favorite ways of thinks. But this morning, with a quarter tank, I had to go. I recently had an emergency operation to remove my appendix, so while I'm on a leave of absence from my job, I guess it makes sense to be introspective (what else can I do with all this free time). I realized how fragile my life is and that I want to be as real as I can possibly be with myself and others around me. I guess my hair is tied up in that search. I mean, how else can I define myself, since I am constantly doing something: mother, manager, devout Christian. I fulfilled these roles while I was up and about, but now I'm on the injured list, it's hard to stop the wheels in my mind from moving, despite my body's inability. Or maybe I'm just getting older and wiser, not willing to put up with the hypocrisy of a relaxer lifestyle. In any event, I am still excited to re-connect with my real hair and the adventures we will have. Who would have thought that losing an appendix would lead to transitioning to real hair?!

After everything's said and done...

November 4, 2009

After the henna, after the deep treatment, after the twist-and-curl, after it's all said and done, the results...Great. I like it, I really, really like it. The color is absolutely wonderful, deep brown almost black, with burgundy-auburn highlights. It warms my skin tone and is perfect for the fall. It's also full and thick! I am almost fooled to believe that it's already all natural. I see how this is going to be a challenging process or journey rather. My hair is definitely transitioning. I already have about an inch of growth. It's (my hair) saying:"Here I am, I don't lay to the side, flat like before. You have to acknowledge my presence." I have to admit, I am a little intimidated. I have dealt with my natural hair before, don't get me wrong, but it was way short. It was wash, curl, gel, and go type of hair. I never dealt with length and natural at the same time. I don't know how my hair will behave (or will it). Maybe I have to behave and appreciate deeper what Jehovah gave me and have been covering up all my life, my hair.

Blogging

November 4, 2009

I am sitting here, at my dining room table, in the quiet before the storm moment of the morning (before my 3 year old wakes up). I washed out the henna. I had terrible pre-morning visions of my hair sliding off my head and what I would do if that happened. I would quietly clean up the mess and purchase a wig and not say another word about henna or anything to anyone. I am happy to report the henna washed out and my hair stayed on my head (yea!). I put my glasses on (blind as a bat) and ran to my bedroom mirror: glorious dark brown, mahogany, auburn deliciousness on my head:) Also surprisingly, not one hair was lost (exaggeration, one hair was lost, serious, no joke). I don't know if it was my new found infatuation with henna and all things natural, but my hair felt different. I can't describe it, but it felt good. I wish I could remember some of those vocabulary words my kids learn at school to describe how comfortable my hair felt (I guess that's why I send them to school everyday and make sure they learn-when they come home I'll pick their brain for new words:). I bought some extra cheap Lekair cholesterol ($2) the green one because it was cholesterol and the color was pretty (something about aloe vera, but I'm not that stupid to think that aloe turned it green, give me some credit). Now I'm writing this down, blogging. Never thought I would do this, chronicle-ing my baby steps transitioning, but I've been encouraged to do so by the founder of www.curlynikki.com. Since I'm a very private person, this is a very big step for me: sharing my hair adventures on the WWW. I am not that courageous to add photos of myself though. I better stop writing before I talk myself out of doing this. Peace.

Henna, henna, hennnnnna!

November 3, 2009

I’m soooo excited. Today, I took my two daughters on an adventure to Jackson Heights, NY to find authentic henna! We were successful after asking a young Indian woman in a jewelry store if she know where we could find the coveted product. Surprisingly, she didn’t know where it was sold?! The gentleman (probably the store owner) suggested we go to the grocery store on the next corner (leave it to a man to know where to find a hair care product). We were on our way. I pleasantly asked the young lady behind the counter, which aisle to find the henna. She mumbled something, not quite sure if it was English or a foreign tongue. I didn’t let her inaudible dribble stop me from feeling pleasant and favored. My girls saw the interaction and asked the lady once more (may Jehovah bless my sweet daughters). My eldest was reading the box when I caught up to her. I found the “Jamila” brand and snatched up 6 boxes (2 for each of us-daughters want to henna too!). At the counter, I decided to send the 2nd daughter for another 2 boxes. Feeling good about myself, we crossed the street and decided to buy some Pakistani food (delicious).

Later that evening, I mixed the henna with some steeped warm green tea infused with cardamom, got a muddy mixture (it really does look like baby poop, especially one that drank spoiled formula), and let it set covered with saran wrap for about 2 hours. My 2nd daughter and I were wondering if I ruined the henna, because I was worried about releasing the dye (just me being impatient). I mixed in 3 tablespoons of lemon juice to activate the mixture (I was going to get dye release whether the poop mixture liked it or not) and declared that I could wait no longer!!! We went upstairs with our supplies and started to get to work. There was a bonding moment for me and my kids as always, because of my enthusiasm I always manage to sweep them into my moment, making it our moment. My Nia (ride-or-die chica) demanded that she apply it to mommy’s head, she wouldn’t take no for an answer. I let her and she did an excellent job. Did I mention that she is only 11 years old. My baby.

Now here I sit (11:45p) with a hennaed head covered in plastic and a doo- rag getting ready for bed, in love with my head, my daughters and the beginning of my “back to natural” journey.



NOVEMBER 2, 2009, TRANSITIONING

I have finally found my hair goal: to go natural. It happened by accident, purely and simply. In search of a hair color to cover my newly found gray hairs, I decided to look at color options for European type hair, because that's what I thought I had to do. I went to Loreal and Clairol web sites to find the answer. In my quest, I stumbled upon the process of “hennae-ing”. This 5+ thousand year old process of using the henna plant to color the hair, naturally, with virtually no harsh chemicals or side effects. Unlike the process of coloring hair with permanent or semi permanent dyes, I tried to absorb as much info as I could find, in effort to get the best results. But, my underlying problem remained: relaxing my hair. I had relaxed my hair from the age of 5 or when my mother got tired of getting a comb through my naturally very thick hair. I am now 37 years old and only have gone natural once, but only because my hair fell out because of the process of dyeing and relaxing my my hair, AT THE SAME TIME! Years later, I now have about ½ inch of new growth and shoulder length hair, which is fairly healthy. The last chemical thing I’ve done to my hair was a relaxer in September and before that, some bleach highlights (surprised that my hair didn’t fall out- I tried to avoid the “bald thing” by doing the process myself at home, waiting two weeks, and then doing the relaxer).

After doing some online research, I realized that the sites I was going to focused on European type hair and not much on African type hair that was fried and dyed and neutralized to some pseudo-European quality that is more work than need be or should be. On a side note, if you have to do so much to your hair to trick yourself and others that your hair is another texture, shouldn’t that have tipped us off that it was something wrong to do? But I guess hindsight is 20/20 vision and I could afford to be self righteous now that I have been forced to analyze myself due to the fact that I am trying to cover up newly found gray hairs (would I have made this analysis if I hadn’t been vainly trying to cover grays- I would like to say yes, but probably not:)

Happily, Jehovah felt sorry for his vain daughter, because I found a very encouraging website: www.curlynikki.com. I can definitely see myself doing this for the rest of my life and also my daughters'. I found transitioning advice for women with my hair texture. I have read several comments thus far dealing with the paring away of deeply sown in feelings about relaxing hair, your self awareness, and surprisingly how others view you, especially after you’ve gone natural. A lot of people (I’m thinking people of color, black people in particular) may encourage you to keep relaxing, while not forking up money to help with maintenance and upkeep of that hair lifestyle, stating: “Oh, why did you decide to change? Or “Are you going to be able to comb your hair?” I was getting tired of all those chemicals seeping into my cerebellum and gray matter and why the heck won’t I be able to comb my hair?! Later for all those ignorant naysayers. Down with lye and ammonia. Power to the hair. Let's begin this journey.