I remembered a glimpse of a conversation that I had recently with my mother. I purposely didn't explain why I had chosen to stop relaxing my hair (I don't think I have to explain why, reader, put two and two together: conversation, mother, personal decision, you do the math). I mentioned I was going to stop relaxing my hair! (Car screeches and crashes in the background, at least in my head when I saw her expression). "Why would you do something like that? How would you manage all that hard hair?!" I told her that her hair was natural(her hair is the texture of a white person's hair,very curly,and she cuts it short for convenience at the barber shop). She had the nerve to say: "My hair is hard, I need to "texturize" it!" Well, well, well if her hair is hard by her standards, mine must be concrete. I don't even want to peel back the layers of this onion. How much self hate is ingrained in our race, at least those that have been transported by slave traders and owned by slave owners? I knew in the back of my mind that I would encounter or touch upon some psych-socio issues related to black hair, but the issue presented itself sooner rather than later, by my mother. Wasn't this person responsible for my self-esteem, good or bad? My mental stability? Have I been doing the same thing to my girls? At least, unconsciously, by sending them to the beauty parlor for stinky relaxers and hot irons, did they internalized this as punishment for "bad hair"? I remember saying to one of the girls: "I can't deal with your hair, that's why I had to get it relaxed." The healing begins with self first. Hopefully, through my example of loving my natural hair, my darling girls will start to increase their self-esteem. I gotta start somewhere. Jehovah, give me strength. Peace.
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